Mental Disintegration at the Karl's Kanoe 60k

My ultrarunning has always been based on having the mental chops to hold it together and push through when the going gets tough. It's something I've always been able to rely on, and compensates for the fact that I'm really not a very good runner. So when I came up short at the "Karl's Kanoe" 60k last night it made me question everything.

The course was six 10k loops of Inks Lake state park. The terrain was very technical, but we were blessed with cooler weather than of late. The first few loops were fine, but somewhere on the third loop I had a moment of complete clarity. I thought "my wife, my little boy and my beautiful new baby are at home asleep, so what the f#%k am I doing here?" This was followed with absolute certainty by "I don't want to run anymore". And I didn't. I pulled up and flat out quit.

It's not something I'm proud of, and the only redeeming factor was that I was still stubborn enough that I wouldn't accept a DNF. So I walked. I walked the remaining 20 miles in a death march (my legs were fine - I just had no motivation). From time to time I considered running, but each time the same thought overrode that urge - "I don't want to run anymore". I was passed by folks I am usually hours ahead of and found I really didn't care.

20 miles of walking through the night is a long time to think. I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered if I liked what I saw. I knew I did not - I have never ever thrown the towel in before, at anything. This was a new experience and I didn't know how to handle it. We all have an image we project to the world, and reconciling that with this unexpected reality was hard. I was ashamed of myself, angry at what I was doing, and frustrated that I couldn't do anything about it. I wondered what Gavin and Dylan would think if they knew their dad quit. It wasn't a nice thought.

I wondered if I still wanted to run ultras, or even run trail any more - it hasn't been fun for some time (though I'm really enjoying my road running of late). I wondered what made me think I could run three 60ks in the hottest August on record on about 3-4 hours sleep a night. I wondered what made me think I could run Cactus Rose, or if I even wanted to anymore. That's still an unanswered question.

Yes, this is a pretty pathetic pity party. The only thing I can say in mitigation is that I'm really tired, and I'm sure everything will seem different after a good night's sleep. But I've always made it a point to be brutally honest in this blog, about both the good and the bad. And that's just how I feel right now - warts and all.

I apologize to anyone who was on the wrong end of my bad mood last night. Naresh was really kind and tried to pull me out of my funk every time I saw him, but it just wasn't happening.

On the plus side, at least I finished. And I did get a nice buckle for completing all 3 races in the Darkside series.

And finally, I'd hate for anyone to be put off these races just based on my experience (which is more to do with me than anything else). Brad is a super nice, genuine guy and he, Joe and everyone else put on really great races. And it's all for a good cause - I was glad to turn out and help support the charity.

Running from Crazies at Timber Knoll

Last night was the second race in the dark side series - the Timber Knoll 60k. And as a bonus I actually remembered my headlamp this time!!!

I got to the the park and wandered around visiting with friends. Now many ultra runners can be a little "eccentric", but I had yet to meet a really crazy one...until last night. Some guy latched onto me and claimed to know me from somewhere. He started coming out with the craziest stuff, most of which centered around what a world class runner he was and how many women were chasing him. He asked me if I was fast, and when I said "no" he informed me that I probably wouldn't be seeing him for the rest of the night - fine with me. Thankfully some friends rescued me from his clutches.

The race consisted of a 3 mile out and back, followed by four 8.5 mile loops, adding up to 37 miles. We lined up at the start, Brad set us off and I headed out with the lead group of Ryan, Larry, Naresh and Derek. I wondered where the crazy guy was, and it soon became apparent he wasn't as fast as he had claimed.

I accelerated to the front for a few seconds, just to say I'd actually led a race, before settling back into my usual niche behind the front runners. I was feeling a little pain from my achilles, so I played it conservatively and eased into a much more relaxed pace.

The first loop was hot - around 102F at the start. I fell in with Deanna, a really nice lady from College Station, and we ran and chatted together for a time. It helped take my mind off the heat and my achilles and settle into the race. It was getting dark by the end of the loop and I had to turn my headlamp on for the last few miles.

I started adding walk breaks into loop 2. It seems that I don't have my ultra long distance running legs on yet, but that's ok - looking back at last year, I was at about the same place. I think it's a good thing to ease off for a few months before peaking for a goal race, which in my case is Cactus Rose.

Halfway through the second loop I caught up with Naresh who was suffering severe leg cramps. The poor guy had been sick all week with fever, but he's kind of like an Indian terminator - he just keeps going!!! I walked with him to the mid-loop aid station and then took off. Typical Naresh, he chased me down again and we ran together for a while, but the leg cramps were hindering him and he told me to go on. Mad props to him - he gutted it out and finished despite cramping for the rest of the race.

The sky had been amazingly clear all night - an incredible mosaic of stars - and on the third loop a beautiful orange moon rose. I turned off my light for a few minutes and enjoyed the quiet beauty of the night.

Somewhere on this loop I got talking to another runner who I kept flip-flopping with. His name was RT, and this was his first ultra. He was obviously a good runner, and probably had the legs on me, but my aid station strategy (quickly in and quickly out) kept me pretty level with him for most of the race.

The third loop also contained a lot more walking, as did the first half of the fourth loop and nothing in particular stands out. But that changed as I approached the mid-loop aid station on that final loop.

As I got close, I heard voices.

"Please God, don't let that be the crazy guy" I whispered to myself.

But it was. He was sitting in a chair babbling away to RT, and when he saw me coming he greeted me with a "hey, do you have any weed?"

I wasn't in much of a mood to humor him, so I just replied that I didn't do weed and tried to ignore him while I filled my bottles with iced water. He was on loop 3 and told me that since he ran ultras every week, he was going to stop at 3 loops and claim a 50k finish.

I debated whether or not I should goad him. My bad angel won, and I pointed out that he'd have to add on an extra 2 miles if he wanted to DNF at 50k. He told me that it "didn't work like that", and that he'd calculated it out and he took off.

This was the motivation I'd been waiting for - I sure as hell didn't want to have to listen to him for the last 4 miles, so I fired up the afterburners I'd kept in reserve and took off. Amazing what a bit of motivation will do - here were the gears that had been missing all night. I sped past him and heard him call out "hey, how do you do that". I yelled back "with practice" and his reply was lost in the night because I was gone.

I saw RT ahead plodding up a particularly nasty hill, and I accelerated and powered up it. As I passed him, I nodded back behind me and said "he's crazy, let's put some distance on him". RT agreed and broke into a run, but I was in the groove, and damn it felt good. Soon his headlamp too faded into the distance behind me.

I wondered how long my newfound speed would last - turns out it lasted right to the finish line, which I crossed in 8 hours and 26 minutes, good for 7th place overall.

After the race, I sat around with a bunch of fellow runners and had a great time laughing and joking. I met a lot of new people, made a lot of new friends and was able to watch a lot of old friends finish. I swapped emails with RT with the view to doing some runs together in Austin, and sampled some of Brad's genius post-race food - cake. Boy, was it good!!!

I really enjoyed myself, and hated to cut it short, but I had to go into work. So I said my farewells and headed off back to Austin.

I got back home to discover Nancy had had adventures of her own - the car had died at a gas station the other side of Austin the night before. It was 102F, she had the two kids with her, was unable to even close the windows, and I had the cell phone. Being the resourceful person she is, she managed to get everyone home (even the car).

Before I left I'd taken Gavin aside and told him I expected him to look after his mum and brother, and he really came through for me. He's such a sensitive and kind boy that when he saw she was upset, he went right over to her, put his arms around her and cried with her. He soothed her, told her everything was going to be fine and made her feel like a million dollars.

Yeah, he's a great kid and I'm so proud of him.

Longest 60k Ever

Got an email today from Joe, the race director of the "All Nighter" I ran a few weekends ago. He said that a number of folks had complained (and no, I wasn't one of them) that the course was long so he went back and remeasured today. He had originally measured each loop at 6.2 miles. My Garmin reckoned 6.85. Turns out we were both wrong as it was actually 7.33 miles. So nice bonus - I ran 44 miles, which makes this the longest 60k I've ever run :-)

I don't really care (though it does show what a classy guy Joe is). In fact, I'm pretty pleased to have gotten bonus miles in and to have "outlasted" 60% of the other runners on what was a "head down and gut it out" training run for Cactus Rose.

Does make me feel a bit better about my awful time though.

Long Night at the All Nighter

Last night was the first race in the Capt'n Karls series - the "All Nighter" 60k at Mule Shoe Bend. It didn't get off to a great start, as I was half way to the park when I realized I'd forgotten my headlamp - whoops. A quick call to Nancy and my amazing wife agreed to drive out to the park and hand it off to me after the first loop.

I didn't really have a plan for this race - I haven't done a long run for weeks and I'm not really in race shape, so I figured I'd just take it slow and treat it as a training run.

The race was six 10k loops along the tough and technical trails of Mule Shoe Bend park. We set off at 7pm and I settled into the "pelaton". The pace was a little slow, but that didn't worry me. On the other hand, the humidity was 100% and it was hot with no breeze - not nice. I tried to space out, but there was a really loud dude behind me who figured everyone wanted to hear his opinions. He very quickly got on my nerves, so at the first opportunity I broke away and accelerated to find my own space - much better.

I figured out that the loops were more than 10k. According to my Garmin they were 6.85 miles, which made the 60k a 41 mile race rather than 37 (update : they were actually 7.33 mile loops which made it a 44 mile race). As this was a training run, I wasn't bothered. Rather I was happy with the extra mileage.

I finished out the first loop and immediately saw Nancy, Gavin and Dylan. Gavin ran up to me with the headlamp and was so excited - he wanted to go run with me. I took some time to go over and visit, play with Gavin and show off Dylan - it was fun. Dylan needed feeding, and Joyce took them under her wing and took them over to their RV. Joe eventually shooed me 0ff up the trail and said he'd look after Gavin. That's full-service race directors right there.

As I headed back out, I realized that what I really wanted was to go home with Nancy and the boys. I wanted to cuddle up with Gavin, I wanted to rock Dylan to sleep, I wanted the fun little chats with Nancy during overnight feedings. In short, I missed my family and I so did not want to do another 5 loops.

But I also knew I would never quit - it's just not in my personality. Thank God for the good old British stiff upper lip - if you want someone to plod on through the night in a sufferfest, I'm your guy. I want to be a role model for my sons and show them they can do anything they want as long as they never ever give up.

Besides, I sure as hell wasn't going to surrender my zero DNF record on a 60k (albeit a long one).

So off I went.

Loop 2 was still humid and hot, and I started taking walk breaks. It got dark about half way through and I struggled to find motivation to run until a friend came up behind me and we ran and chatted for a while.

During loop 3 it started raining - torrential, pouring, driving "can't see more than a few inches in front of you" rain. And I loved it. It refreshed me and made me think of home. I ran hard and enjoyed the sensation of running through it. The frogs loved it too as they were partying all over the trail.

Unfortunately it also turned parts of the trail into a muddy swamp, and running soon became a risky business as I found myself slip-sliding around or sinking into it, and clumps of mud started attaching to my shoes.

On loop 4, my Garmin started playing silly buggers. At first it completely froze, then it turned off. Half an hour later it came back on and asked me if I were running, cycling or swimming. But it was still frozen. Then it turned off again. I guess it doesn't like the rain. So I had no idea how far I'd gone, how long I'd been running and what time it was. Oh well, I just shrugged my shoulders and plodded on.

The second half of the race was head down, slog through, slipping and sliding through a mudfest. I knew my time was going to be bad, and I alternated walking and running (though I have to admit there was a lot more walking than running). I got a few blisters on my heel where I missed taping, and my shoes got heavier and heavier the more mud adhered to them.

I eventually crossed the finish line in 10 hours and 40 minutes with a wry grin on my face - I've run a 50 miler two hours faster than that. But what I didn't realize was that everyone struggled. I finished in 14th place and Joe told me that the finish rate was 40% (53 started, 21 finished). I don't know if it was the rain, the mud, the humidity or all three, but that's a lot of folks dropping.

But the true highlight of the night was watching a friend finish the gutsiest run I've ever seen. Sharpie paced her for virtually the entire race, and really pushed her. She left it all out there, and watching her cross that finish line was truly inspiring.

The Life of Bryan

Bliss : John Sharp and myself celebrate completing the 60k by jumping in the Lake

A 3:30am alarm call this morning started my day at the Trail Twister 60k in Bryan, Texas. My mate Jeff and I drove up together and got to the park just after 6am. Having set up our dropbags, I wandered around saying hello to friends. An especially big shout out to my longtime friend (and secret Welshrunner blog reader) Celeste who finished the 30k this morning in a great time. So sorry Nancy couldn't join you.

Chris got us going at 7am and I settled into my favorite little niche just behind the lead pack. Because the 30k and 60k folks were all running the same course (the 60kers ran it twice) I had no idea who I was running against. Of course I ended up chasing a lot of 30kers and probably went out too fast - big shock there.

It wasn't too horribly hot for the first loop, but it was very humid - my shorts were soaked within the first few miles. I had made a promise to myself to do better on my nutrition for this race and in this I failed miserably - I made do with half a packet of sports beans and whatever they had at the aid stations. This is getting to be a real problem I need to fix and I think one solution may be to just carry Spiz in my handheld.

I completed the first 30k in just over 3 hours, but was not looking forward to going back out. The temperature had risen into the upper 80s and a lot of folks decided to drop after one loop. But I had signed on for a 60k and I was determined that was exactly what I was going to do - after all, I have a zero DNF record to defend, this is all good time on feet training, and I haven't run very much trail of late.

I have to say the wheels came off a bit on the second loop and I walked a lot of it. No excuses for that other than my feet felt bruised, I picked up a few blisters, motivation sagged and I was just lazy. One thing I found out was that audiobooks on the ipod do not work for me - they just lull me into the story. What did work was music - in particular the Rolling Stones "Paint it Black" and (somewhat bizarrely) Les Miserables really got me in the groove. I'm sure the sight of me running through the woods while belting out "Do you hear the people sing? Singing a song of angry men" brought a few quizzical looks from passing mountain bikers.

A small aside - Nancy and I have been to see Les Miserables three or four times, and every time she's cried. I always tease her about this, but it's really cute and part of why I love her. I rarely get emotional during a run, but today one of the songs left me with an overwhelming urge to be at home and to give Gavin a big hug and kiss. I'm not too big to admit that I sniffled a little (though only a little mind you). Needless to say, the first thing I did when I got home was to pick up the little Batman and smother him with kisses until he giggled.

Back to reality, about 5 miles from the finish line I had to leap suddenly to avoid (what I think was) a Speckled Kingsnake that was meandering across the trail. From then on, every root or branch was suddenly a slithering demon :-)

As I approached the finish area I spotted Jeff standing by the dropbags. I asked him how he'd gotten back so fast and unfortunately he'd dropped after the first loop. I crossed the finish line in 7:22:35 - a horrible time, but enough for 17th place (41 started the 60k and 28 finished). It's amazing how time is so relative in trail running.

I hung around and socialized at the finish line, clapping runners in as they finished. It wasn't too long before John Sharp came in. He's a super nice guy I first met at Rocky Raccoon and we have a habit of finishing races really close to each other. He's had a tough race schedule this summer, including two 100 milers in the mountains. He had the great idea of celebrating the completion of the 60k by jumping in the lake, so we did. Wow, it felt great.

So Jeff and I headed back to Austin, stopping at McDonalds on the way. I had told him of my tendency to crave Big Macs after ultras, and that planted the idea in his head. Yummy.

Things I learnt from this run - nutrition is something I need to formulate a better plan for - and stick to it. For my best ultras, I've been well prepared beforehand and had some calorie shakes to down between loops, but I've gotten too laid back and lazy. I think the reason I'm so nonchalant is that deep down I know I can complete the 50k to 50 mile distance without too much fuss. While I may get away with this attitude at Sunmart and Bandera, I really need to pay attention to it at Rocky Raccoon. My other experiment with the Drymax "Maximum Protection" socks worked great - my feet stayed dry throughout the race. I didn't have a very good run, but it is what it is - a nice long "time on feet" training run. In that respect it was a good day.